Sometimes two people who could actually harmonize perfectly and form a perfect fit need to split.
Sometimes the feelings have been so intense, that we lost ourself on the way and need to take a step back in order to move forward. Breakups are not always the result of infidelity or lying or drugs or other hard-core reasons like these. Breakups are not always the result of you realizing you just don't fit with the passions and visions you share. Sometimes, just sometimes, it's about two good people who love eachother above everything, who actually fit, but can't handle the hard lessons that often confront you in the mirror of intimate relationships. And in my opinion, those are the hardest breakups to deal with. Because they happen out of love to ourself and eachother.
Sometimes the time just isn't right now for more. Sometimes one of us just wasn't ready and has been lying to ourself all along to be together, because they did realize how amazing you are together. Sometimes, feelings naturally change and little to no effort has been made to rekindle the love or time taken to truly reconnect. Sometimes, conflicts are all you concentrate on and couldn't talk about. Priorities may change due to sudden circumstances so much that you neglected eachother. These are breakups out of love. If only they were not scared of difficult conversations. If only they knew what they wanted in life. If only they could stand up for themselves or knew how to love intensely without losing themself. If only I could get over my insecurities and fears. If only I could forgive the past. That's right...IF ONLY.
In my opinion, those are the hardest breakups to deal with. It's not about incompatibility. It's not about different future visions. It's about your own inner growing you need to do. You know you love eachother, you have tried "everything", but it is just.not.working. It's like you have found the "perfect" partner in eachother, but somewhere along the way you lost the magic and with that all hope. What happened? The love is still there, the respect and value too. But you are not happy.
Chances are, the relationship has less to do with the situation you are experiencing than the situation itself. Either unresolved events of the past are still burdening you, and/or circumstances in your life right now are so heavy, being in a partnership just makes the weight heavier. Not because the partner is particularly difficult, but because you are unable to deal with it yourself. When the self is burdened, difficult moments become more difficult. Maybe you have so many skelettons in your closet that you need to deal with, but can't take on right now. No matter how much you love eachother.
Does it even make sense?
Walk away...for now.
In my opinion, love is never really lost. Not in cases like these. But obviously there is some internal growth to be done. And sometimes in the process you lose yourself.
I've heard of countless psychologists and so-called "experts" vowing that you will get your ex back just by backing off into no contact for 30-60 days. Using words like "soulmate" or "twinflame" that do nothing but hook you into this feeling of desperation even more. While the principle in itself works, I would be careful in following them by their every word. Some would tell you to block your significant other, or tell you what to text, tell you to look pretty every day in the case you run into them.
And that's where I think the line gets crossed.
There is NO one-size-fits-all answer. Especially when it is a "good breakup". If there is still respect and love and you are both in pain, but he/she sees no other option. Then be gentle, be kind, be compassionate and BACK OFF.
I know it is hard and the emotions are running wild. Maybe it caught you completely by surprise and all your abandonment fears come rushing back, threatening to plunge you into a pit of self-hate and self-pity. Maybe you expected it all along, but now that it is real you feel like a train ran over you. Stop yourself and don't let it out on the other person. If the love was true, which I suppose it is here, then the pain is real for both. So, tell him/her you love them enough to let them go. Say you understand they still need to figure things out, you want to respect their wish and that you wish them the best in life. And leave. Exit before you lose your stance. It is okay to cry and be sad, just don't get dramatic in front of the other person and make them feel guilty. That will only push them further away.
Go home, crawl into your bed or take a bath and cry. Cry it all out, scream, bash, put loud music on and cry it out. Write all your hateful words in your journal, then burn it with forgiveness. Let it out, let it flow. And then let go. While you are on the distance detox, you can expect yourself to go through highs and lows. And that is perfectly normal. The most important thing you can do is LOVE YOURSELF. Treat yourself, your body, mind and soul. You are going through a very hard time and the last thing you need is you turning against yourself.
Treat Yourself
Treat yourself to good food. To a walk in the park. To nights out with friends. Do the things that you love. Rest in bed and cuddle with yourself. Take a time out. Take care of yourself. And don't worry about the other half. Chances are, they are going through a tough time too. But you have enough on your plate. When they are ready, they will come to you, don't force it. You have made it perfectly clear when you left, that you are not angry and that you have the strength and class to be gentle always. Which is why the exit is so important.
Be ready for those down and lonely times. There is a hole that you need to fill. Make sure you have a back-up plan of what you can do that helps you through it. Are there any YouTube videos you can watch? A friend to call? A dog to walk? These down times will come and you don't want to make them harder on you than they already are.
Use every opportunity you can to make your environment feel good to you. Clean your apartment. Reorganize and redecorate everything. Make your bed and nest comfortable. Have enough fresh food in the fridge. Buy things to treat your friends when they visit you.
Remember: NO contact...for now!
If they initiate contact, be kind but firm. They miss you? You miss them too. But until they make a strong move to come back to you, you will not initiate! Like Matthew Hussey says, you invest as much as they invest. If the conversation gets silent, maybe it was too soon. Hopefully by now you are keeping yourself busy with several activities and can truthfully cut the conversation, wish him well and do your thing. No need for further explanations. No need for drama. Find the cheerful happy person you are, be this person you were when you met (just better, because you are evolving always).
Take it day by day. And set yourself the goal of a month or two. After all, what is a month of sadness against a lifetime of happiness? Reconnect with people. Make yourself be the best version of yourself...for yourself! Travel, visit family, learn new things. Do new things and set yourself out there.
TREAT YOURSELF...everyday.
Closure
When painful thoughts of the past come up. And you are ripped into a moment of melancholy. As hard as they are, find something about this moment to be grateful for. A lesson, a feeling, a person you met, anything. Then cry some more, because gratitude does that sometimes.
And then pick yourself back up, make yourself pretty (for yourself) and go out there. Smile, be kind to yourself, to the world and kindness will come back to you. Trust in Life.
It is important to understand, that though the period of "no contact" helps give the other half time to figure things out and miss you, it is more about YOU. This is the time you need to make the most of. Don't cry in the corner non-stop and let time pass you by. The man or girl of your dreams will not find you there. Whether it is your ex or another.
Time will go by. And you will live your life to the fullest. We all make mistakes, what matters is what we make of them. What matters is now, so don't dwell in the past or in the "ifs". As long as you keep evolving towards the best version of yourself, rest assured that the best will come back to you. When you trule love yourself, love will come to you. Open yourself up to your vision and dream, to happiness and know you deserve it. We all do. Welcome abundance, health and happiness. Use your new gained time, unattachments and "freedom" for you, manifest the amazing things in your life through the simple law of attraction and trust in that it will all be okay.
And, as hard as it sometimes is, wish the same for your ex partner. From your heart.
For wouldn't it be nice, if this special someone came to you, from a place where they are genuinely good and happy? Wouldn't it be nice to know...hey, they are having a great time and STILL want me in their life?
And wouldn't it be nice if you could reciprocate the same from a moment in life where you are at your absolute best? Whether it is your ex or the next Mr./Mrs. Right?
Closure.
